MY NEW COMPUTER IS HERE!!!!!!! It's the most beautiful computer you will ever see (if you ever see it. mwuahaha). It looks like it could kick somebody's ass...like it came from the CIA or something. It's all black (the keyboard, back, etc.), skinny, cute little Dell logo....it's the sexiest damn thing. =) I've only started it once today (on my old computer right now) because I can't get it to connect to the internet. Vista is pretty nice...although I did have this scarey feeling of, "omg...I've been using computers for most of my life and this thing makes no sense to me right now" come over me for a moment. Freaked the shit out of me. I feel extremely guilty for getting it now, since my old one is working (mostly) fine, but then again considering how loud, slow, and incompetent this older one can be...I don't want to find out the hard way (again). I don't know....should I be feeling guilty? =/

The semester will end Monday. All I have to finish up is a weather journal and some math lessons and a final. As I've probably said before, this semester has been lame compared to last semester. (The spring semesters always tend to suck! I think it's because of all the snow/cold weather. ...Seriously!). They were all pretty boring classes, even meteorology. I'm planning on taking an online math course this summer, just to get some more credits in there. I wish I could take something fun and exciting as well...like another astronomy, but the summer is unpredictable...I may have a job or be busy packing up the house come June? It would be pretty nice to know what their (my mother and her man. lol) plans are, moving/wedding wise, so that I could plan accordingly and apply to Mesa State if needed. It just sorta has me on edge! =P
Well anywho, good night. And happy mothers day! ...Even though...I don't think there are any mothers who read this...lol.

I am just so elated to know that I'm not too retarded to finish a 200 page book in two days! (actually, most of it was read in one day...and had I not been tired I probably could have finished it?!) -- How to cover your ass while amazon sits on theirs. I actually bought the stupid thing twice - one on amazon and, out of panic because it hadn't come yet (two days before my paper was due), one at borders over in damn Lone Tree. But at least I'm becoming more ballsy with driving. ^.^ Victory is so fucking sweet. =)

Spring Break is officially here....and mine will entail helping do taxes, catching up on homework, and actually having to turn stuff in (who makes assignments due during spring break?!!! ..my math professor, that's who! >.<).

Anywho, just a quick update - back to work! Happy spring break, everyone!

This whole not updating for a month thing needs to stop. Then again, it's amazing how much has not been going on... School is going fine, kind of boring this semester...maybe I'm just getting burnt out or not as motivated? (Then again, come to think of it the only class that I'm really excited for hasn't even begun yet - the other three are lame ass required ones.) I've been back to being depressed or anxious too sometimes...I must need a reminder of why I'm doing all of this to begin with (...wait, what am I doing all of this for?). I think this time of year just always gets depressing, anyway. I can't stand the cold anymore, spring/summer needs to get here soon!! Anywho, other than my obsession with cooking lately (lol), things have been pretty slow. Hopefully things will pick up, as I start Meteorology class on Monday. =) Well, I'm off to bed. Night!

And I forgot to mention -- I will be buying a new laptop soon!! ....Hopefully!! I've had this thing for five years and it no longer lives up to it's name of "Whoopass". Let's just say, amongst many other things, I can't even watch YouTube videos and the like, because some soundcard thing is busted. This thing's performance has been too unacceptable for too long. I haven't decided yet, but mom keeps trying to convince me to buy a Dell (which I probably will) instead of an HP or something from the store. I'm looking at either the Inspiron 13, Inspiron 14 or 15 (I want a smaller screen), or maybe even the Studio 15. It will set me back a lot of money, but damnit am I excited to get a faster machine with a bigger hard drive!! It's literally giving me neck pains just thinking about how slow this can be...
So yes, that is my exciting news. ...That is all. =)

Aww, I've neglected my sweet little LJ completely for......have I even posted this year?? ...Well, it's been a long time, anyway. The year's going well so far, I suppose. I'm going to keep thinking positively even if it, for some reason, isn't going well.

School starts tomorrow, and I'm freaking mortified - mainly because I stupidly signed up for a class that I know will suck, because it's just an advanced version of my most stressful class last term (which, granted I did pwn, but still...). It's the only one I'm taking in person (which is the main reason I'm taking it - to get out of the house), the rest are online, so obviously, I'm super excited to begin taking them. The alternative to taking three classes online was to either sit in a classroom for four hours at the University Center down the street or drive about 15 miles each way (probably in the morning) to the main campus - which would leave me almost helpless if I didn't have the vehicle. I have no reason to worry, I know I can pwn that English Comp 2, it just gives me some involuntary anxiety (as does everything). There's no reason to worry - at least not until tomorrow.

Today is going to rock. =) Big Love premiered last night, but since we have no HBO I'm having to, *ahem* ..acquire it from EZTV (shh). Then, Glenn Beck's TV program premieres today (in a few hours! =O)...so, you know, as a Sick Twisted Freak who's been waiting since October, I'm excited for that. ;-)

I keep feeling dizzy, and really need to go do something productive. Much love! =)

In light of recent events, I have no idea how to write this post without sounding asinine. If only this recent surprising streak of happiness weren't in the midst of the tragedy of the passing of a friend. Every other time that I've tried to post on LJ recently, my emotions get the best of me. She was so sweet and, not to sound selfish, but I felt so blessed to have had the opportunity to know her (just as I feel blessed for everyone I have in my life). Her personality just shined. I will miss her happiness and goofyness, her posts on livejournal/facebook/myspace. She should have been so proud of herself for overcoming so much and accomplishing so much. It isn't fair that she didn't make it through her storm, because she deserved the feeling of conquering it. She will be missed. Rest in peace Betsy. ♥

Well, before I start to getting all religious or something on this post, maybe I should talk about the more light hearted things happening recently. The semester ended Dec. 9th, and so far college, my grades and I are getting along. =) The commercial we did on December 6th was just about the best day of my life. We were bused to the mountains and filmed at a ski resort in Winter Park. Two commercials were done - one in which we just followed the Verizon guy around, and another where we had to come walking out of the trees to meet up with the rest of "the network". Thankfully I was in the back of the "wedge", as I hate to have my face on camera (extras' faces turn out mostly blurry on film, anyway). It was such a great day - freezing cold and all. Of all the projects we've been a part of, my confidence lied most in this one. It was such a fun and rewarding (hehe, money) experience.

It seems I've been up to winning the lottery today - $500 worth, that is. Mom and I just did a few scratch tickets tonight and, as you can imagine, totally flipped to see almost every number match on the first one I scratched tonight. =) So that was very amazing.
I also somehow found a way to win a radio contest a couple weeks ago - a Glenn Beck prize package from KHOW. It included some cool things, as well as tickets to his Christmas Sweater Tour simulcast (live at the movie theater) last Wednesday. I haven't yet read The Christmas Sweater, but I acquired the audio book and listened to it all in almost one sitting - and cried (yes, I'll admit) almost the entire way through. The story is so inspiring, and it's given me the basis and encouragement to make it through my own storm of social anxienty and depression. The live show was alright...pretty much just an acting out of the story (duh). Ironically, going to it helped me take one small step towards telling the anxiety where to go; I drove to the theater over in Highlands Ranch - on the highway - entirely by myself. I made it through the evening entirely without having a panic attack or feeling emo or stuttering....it was so liberating. I know I have a long ways to go, but I feel like I'm getting closer. =)

Anywho....what a long post (sorry). I need to go wrap Christmas gifts. We're going to be unwrapping all of ours Monday or Tuesday, than traveling to Montrose on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas day with my mom's boyfriend's family. What a week! O.O So, much love & Merry Christmas!!! ♥

Regarding the commercial that we're going to be extras for Saturday......did I mention that we have to get up at 3ish/4 AM? Probably leave before 5, get there 5:30.....and be bused to a ski resort (or something?) where we'll stand in the snow for the whole shoot. ....Yeeahhh....

On the plus side: we just bought a shit load of sportswear to stay warm. Including some bad ass snowboots. ^.^

Today has been a big day for crying or something -- at least once every three hours or so. Yeah I know, I'm a pussy. When one feels like utter crap and has nothing or no one to offer comfort, what the hell else can they do? I initially felt like ranting on here about how I've spent all day trying to add up why other's have someone to care about the fact that they're alive - a romantic parter or otherwise - and why I don't deserve such a thing that other's take for granted.....but it seems pathetic to ponder it now. I've come to so many conclusions, most of which have brought me right back to square one and have given nothing but hopelessness. .....I sound like a damn goth... O.o .....Anyway, perhaps the truth is that I don't deserve to have or show feelings, opinions, to stand up for myself or be against something unjust, etc., and yet others do? Seemingly, when other's show emotion it's fine, but when I do anything other than nervously giggle a bunch like a damn moron, people turn against me. I'm not sure as to why, but putting one's emotions in a journal certainly makes this emo shit look a hell of a lot more ridiculous than it feels.

Thanksgiving break has been lame, although I supose Thanksgiving itself wasn't too bad. But I still enjoy always having something to do (i.e. not being on break). I absolutely must have something to keep me occupied at almost all times, or I become super depressed (hmmm...like I was today?). I suppose I do need to do some serious kicking ass on studying for finals. My last day of classes is Dec. 9, and I don't have classes again until Jan. 20. Haven't registered for any yet, but most of the ones I'm looking at are late start, and since UCC has a small selection this semester most will have to be online. Since I won't be going back for what seems like a long time, I may consider getting a part time job.....that's terrifying, isn't it?!! I think it would be awesome to work, it just pisses me off when I get accused of being lazy or spoiled simply because I don't have a job yet. >.< ..Because, you know, I'm a fucking princess who expects everything to be handed to her (..*ahem*that was sarcasm). >.<

However, I do have a small but awesome job Dec. 6, yet again as an extra!!! It's for a commercial for Verizon (actually, we're not suppose to say the name of the company. shhh!), and hopefully it'll be fun. I'll be 19 in about 5 days....that's scarey. ;-)
Well anywho, goodnight! <3

We're going out west this weekend to meet my mom's boyfriend's family, or at least his daughter (mom's already met her, I haven't). Hopefully all will go ok...I'm just really nervous about it all.

Classes are going ok...although I've been emo or something lately so that kind of makes it tougher. But for the most part I think I have it all pretty well handled. I just really hope the lack of time to work on stuff this weekend and the huge load of stuff to do doesn't screw it all up. >.<

I voted for the first time ever on Sunday! W00t! We did mail-in voting.....now we just need to mail the things or take them in. ;-)

Anywho, I should stop being stupid and go get some sleep.

Happy Halloween!!

Actually, the first week of college wasn't bad, because most of it was intoductions and people being lost. Now everyone's settled in and it sucks. Not to mention, I've had the feeling of "whythefuck didn't I take the online classes?!" about a dozen times. lol. Yesterday was awful, as the teacher made us work on our homework in class, and I was massively closter phobic and couldn't concentrate. ..But maybe I'm being a little too paranoid, as I did get one grade back in English and nearly shat myself (in a good way lol). =) I hope every grade I get back has that effect. Haha.

We had a tornado touch down here in Parker on Sunday. I don't know how close it was to our neighborhood, but it's absolutely beautiful in the pictures. We weren't here to see it, we were in Castle Rock shopping (apparently people could see it from C. Rock too, though)....but man...I've been waiting all summer to see at least a funnel cloud! lol. >.<

Oohh, and I'm hopefully going to get some spunky things done to my hair tomorrow. So...yay!
Much love! <3
~ J

P.S. All the tv networks are in Denver for the week ^.^ Hehe.

The first day actually wasn't that bad. lol. (Even considering the teacher now probably thinks I'm the most retarded writer on the planet. I hate writing essays on the spot - and I so stupidly wrote it in pen, thus having to scribble out any mess-ups. Isn't that horrible?!!) I overlooked my schedule and didn't know I had my first class on Monday until Saturday or so.....which really only added to my anxiety. So...the weekend consisted of me freaking out at various times, and mom getting pissed off about it and telling me to take an anti-anxiety pill (it makes a person drowsy. lol). But it really wasn't too bad. We went to the main ACC campus so I could take my math test (which proved, you know...that I'm retarded), then enrolled in the appropriate online math class. We then barely made it back to the University Center for the 3pm English (traffic was a mess!), but the teacher was pretty cool about it..and just seems cool in general. And being that it was a pretty day and uhh..the campus is right down the street, I got to walk home. =P

The classes I'm taking include English Comp, Astronomy, Music Appreciation and Algebra. =)
I was super impressed with how nice people were today. I loved it!! I didn't know people could be so pleasant and decent...maybe there's just something in the water? Heh. =P I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be (still nervous enough to not even think to write the essay in pencil - I mean I learned that in grade school!), but I still have a lot more work to do to beat the damn phobia. However, I've as of recently devised my own (very common sensical) anti-phobia prescription that I'll start to try: a little more exercise, a bit more faith, keeping myself busy and not lazy or bored, and actually facing my fears. ...It all sounds kinda gay. lol. But I'm excited to see it work.
For now though, I'm super tired and need to stop thinking about food, because I've been a pig today.
Much love! ~J

( ~Dream interpretation~ nothing to really see here =P )

I'm sure I haven't updated this for a while (see? I can't even remember how long it's been), so I'll get this thing up to speed on what''s been going on. We went to Grand Junction for a summer road trip and to visit mom's friend about a week and four days ago (July 25th?). I had never been to Grand Junction before; I had no opinion of it beforehand, and am still nuetral on it now. We stayed in Delta though, which was pretty cute. While there, we basically toured around, toured Mesa State (which I actually liked to some extent), went to karaoke at a bar where we danced with some guys (one of which mom is keeping in contact with), hung out around town, etc. It was pretty cool (although I'm sure I won't ever become a big fan of the bar scene. lol.). It was a beautiful area.

Other than that, the summer has been a little boring. I'm freaking terrified to go to ACC (I mentioned that last time, didn't I?), as the first day keeps getting closer. I still need to take a placement test in one subject...probably need to take it this week. I'm super close to getting my driver's license. W00t! ^.^ Mom says we may even get a new vehicle this fall.
That's all I can seem to remember about what has been going on lately. But, I did create a Twitter account, which I'm still trying to get the hang of and will try to keep updated (but please, if you want, feel free to add me!).
Much love! <3
~J (aka "sick twisted freak")

Weird that I'm finally tired, yet I can't sleep tonight. It keeps happening lately, I think it's just the crazy fucked-up amount of depression I've been feeling lately for some really dumb reasons (including grandma bullying? is that possible? well I'm a verbal punching bag for anyone to use, so I guess? ...I said the reason was dumb) In addition to the ever-so-awesome crazy thoughts, I have some weird virus thing in my throat. Mom took me to the doctor, surprisingly...because although all of the depression and anxiety were never enough to get a little cheap medication (even if it meant it could save my worthless life), the second that there's something gross in my throat it's "omfg!!1!" It's not strep. I don't know what it is. But it's kinda cool to look at. lol.
I would say how thankful I am that she at least took me there, but I'm beginning to slowly realize that people don't respect or appreciate thankfullness (why aren't these things made more obvious? I really need to take a sociology/psychology course; people are just so confusing).

Doubt if I'll post an entry about my graduation trip (lol because someone might care. j/k), but I'll at least somehow post pics on facebook sometime, eventually. There are message things on myspace, etc. that I need to reply to that I still haven't yet after weeks, and that's another thing that's keeping me from being able to sleep. If only I knew WTF to say. It helps to remember that people won't like me regardless. :-P
Sometimes it feels good to post a self-loathing post. This journal entry is about 1/1,000,000th of the shit that's been running through my head like diarrhea the past several nights when I'm trying to get to sleep, and it feels good to get it out, even if it's to no one. ;-)


Also just wanted to say -
Rest in peace George Carlin <3

We're off to Utah for our Zrii convention today. Obviously, we made it back from Monte Vista in one piece (and I drove some of the way, too!). ;-) Our trip there and graduation was sooo effing amazing - I'll tell when I get back. Right now, it's a matter of sleeping so that today won't be so stressful or exhausing. ILY! ~J

I've been an emotional freaking wreck today (that takes balls to admit, y'all), and I have no idea why. It's been a super shitty day, I guess, with the exception of getting back a bunch of good grades and mom getting me a wicked prom dress that totally surpasses the one I previously mentioned. We didn't go to Monte Vista yet - but we sent my puppy to the doggie day care....that of which I fucking cried over, too, when we got home and watched him on the web cam. >.< I promise, I'm not a girly girl who cries a lot. This week has been totally stressful and unassuring, and what with everybody acting like my graduation has the significance of stinky turd (what?! yes, I will use such language in my own journal. lol), when I told them it's not necessary that we go if it's going to be a bother (though I would want to go, I don't like people going out of their way for me), it feels like I'm being a massive pain in the butt to everyone (but, I realize I'm just acting like some lonely housewife who wants attention from people who actually have a life). I just really want this weekend to be decent. =) And I want to get back to Parker with the feeling of having regretted nothing about the ceremony, and gear up to head to the Zrii convention that coming week, and hopefully have a blast. OMG, I had better get some damn alcohol out of that trip, at least (j/k! ...sort of). ;-)
Well, anywho, ILY! Nighty night. <3 ~ J

I honestly don't remember if I updated this before or after we went shopping last weekend, but apparently I was so pissed that I didn't mention our dress-shopping adventures. =P We went looking for prom dresses on sale, for the Zrii thing (hehe - this time next week I'll be in Utah!). I love dress and shoe shopping! ^.^ All of the dresses I tend to like are never on sale, though (I found a pretty little sun dress, a nice little purple one, and a beautiful big poofy prom one - and I'm usually not a fan of poofy prom dresses - but they were all very expensive >.<)! We ended up getting a prom dress (*squeeeee!!!*) on sale that is beautiful, long, sleek and black with two diamond buckle things on the straps (though, it has an empire waist - but I've found a way to fix it) - which is for the black tie event - and a random little blue dress that mom was drooling over, for no particular event. Hopefully, we'll find something for the 80's dance.

Graduation is Saturday (lol and I've said that how many times in here?). I'm trying to keep a very positive attitude about it...but when I'm around mom it seems to fade, because she insists on stressing me out over stuff I didn't even know I had to do - like graduation announcements - and stuff that grandma is complaining about or whatever. ...Here I thought I was overreacting (like I always do) with the senioritis and depression, all year. Now, I wish everyone else would revert back to the mode of thinking it's a happy event, like I'm finally trying to/beginning to do.
Anyway, we're going to Monte Vista today (Thursday). It's a pretty long road trip, but I hope it will be fun. Anytime I go to a small town I feel super comforted - like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though I've only been to Monte Vista once, I can already feel like I'm, in a way, going to a comforting place where everything will be relaxed and stress-free. I really hope it will all be alright, and that we will have a good weekend.

Unfortunately, on a much sadder note, I just got news yesterday that we lost a friend of the family. She was super cool, and so is her husband. They were my grandma's neighbors in Lamar, and we used to go over to their house a lot and play "Joker" or whatever that game is (my entire hometown used to be obsessed with it. lol). They were a fun couple to hang around with. =) She will be missed. <3

Well, since I can't think of much else to say, and I need to get back to work, I had better bring this thing to a close. ^.^ ...I might try to take pictures or even a video (with our new JVC camcorder!! *eeee!!* ^.^) on the trip...maybe...not that anyone really cares. lol. =P
I love you! (No really..I do. I want to have your babies, like, now ^.^ j/k hehe) Night night. <3
~ J

Oh goodness - I really haven't updated this thing. Believe me, though, I have so wanted to! Not that my life has been that exciting, but I've wanted some way to share what's been going on, I suppose. Just been a swamped with the final week of high school. ;-)

In exciting news, I joined the little network marketing business thing back in April, that my mom and some family friends have been in for a while. It should be very exciting! It's for the new brand of health drink, called Zrii (lol and no, we're not health nuts...we just like the stuff). We're going to the official launch of it in Utah in about 2 weeks and are super excited!! Not to mention, once my school stuff settles down, we can really begin marketing it and working on our websites (although mom already has her website, which is called amalaki7.com).
I thought it would be an interesting little job to have, as it will kind of be a side job along with any summer job I may get, to help pay for college stuff and all of that. ^.^ Speaking of jobs, we went to a new doggie daycare place (to take Harley to while we're gone), and the lady actually kind of suggested/offered me a job. It was cool (and so flattering!)!!

Also got a bit of red in my hair for the summer (I've been wanting to do that for so long!)...though it looks brown or purple and is barely noticable, depending on the way the light hits it. Not at all what I expected, but I guess it's ok, considering the big events that are coming up....don't want to look too wild! ;-)

Speaking of graduation, it appears as though my grandma has decided that she doesn't want to go to the ceremony unless I invite her horrible daughter. >.< I just found this out today, and it insists on making me feel like shit, thus breaking my concentration. Not that I feel guilty, of course - I stand my ground and see no reason why we should all have to feel stressed out and get snapped at, through all of what is supposed to be a happy event (and for what its worth, mom agrees). Not to mention, if that thing wanted to be invited to family affairs, she should have considered being a little more civil to the family that she so openly declairs to be ashamed of.
No, the part I feel bad about is the fact that my own grandmother is upset with me for not wanting a bully that struck a shit load of fear into me to attend my graduation ceremony. Though, it's not my grandma's possible absence that makes me emo (if it were something else, I'd understand), it's the dumbass excuse. And I'm still trying to understand why it has suddenly come about, and I just wish it would stop randomly popping into my mind and bothering me.
But, venting always helps, too! ;-)

Our school's prom was tonight (in Monte Vista, which is really far away!)...it sounded as though it would have been fun, anywho. On the exciting note of graduation, it's approaching very quickly (May 17th), and the deadline for homework is approaching even more quickly. So, I guess that indicates that I should get back to work and make the most of this all nighter, so that I can go dress shopping later today! =P
I luv all y'alls & don't forget that! <3
~ J

Oh my gosh >.< I'm not really sure how, but I have somehow managed to stay awake for about 31 hours straight. ...I'm not really sure why, either....but I feel like I've gotten a lot done today. lol. It's kind of amusing to see how far I can push myself to stay awake - even for no particular reason. =P ...Although, it's also quite stupid, I know. I'm going to see how much more work I can get done, but I have a feeling I should get the hell away from this computer for a while. Haha. I have a bunch of stuff I want to update about, but I shall do that later (because, well, I'm tired). Much love. <3

There's a word for what I've been feeling this entire school year and, since I'm not good with words, I just now figured that out. Haha. I had no idea anyone else could ever feel that way, much less that there'd be a word for it. Senioritis? Yeah. I get it now. Haha. Now that there's only about a month left of school (fuck! >.<)... But hey! At least there's a bright side to graduating: .............???
Maybe I should channel this energy (or rather, whatever is the oppposite of energy) into the assignment(s) that I have to do for English about my *feelings* and what it's like to be a senior. ...If I were good at expressing my feelings in any medium through which I knew someone would have to know about my emotions, would I really be this "shy"? lol. ;-)
I also realized somewhat recently that the physical and psychological instability that I feel when I'm in certain social situations are basically tiny panic attack-like things. I'm not totally sure, but it makes some sense, considering some of the symptoms.

We've been thinking of adopting another dog recently, so that our dog, Harley, has someone to play with and keep him company. He's getting older and fatter, so we figure the best way to help with that would be to get him a playmate, while at the same time saving some sweet little doggie's life. We've been thinking of getting another dog for years. It's heartbreaking to look through all of those adoption websites, though. I just can't very easily imagne our house with another dog in it, and I really don't want to imagine what will happen if, for instance, the dogs constantly fight. That is my biggest fear - mainly just because dog fights scare the living shit out of me, both for the safety of the dog and anyone around. Of course, then again, I did get bitten above the eye when I was little as the result of a dog fight (I was fuckin stupid and in the way. lol), so maybe that's one reason as to why they freak me out.

*sigh* Queer as Folk turns me into a damn girly girl. I totally wish I had a boyfriend, or at least a hug from a dude, or someone to have a crush on. That sounds pitiful, doesn't it?!
I love this song and don't even know why. It's already 3:00, too. Maybe that's a hint to get off my ass and either sleep or work.
Anywho, I ♥ yall & don't forget that. =P